Wellness
Five Practices for Cultivating Inner Peace in Daily Life
Dr. Mandy Adebayo · 3 min read
Anger Is Rarely the Root
If you love someone caught in addiction, you may already know the pattern. One moment things feel calm, and the next, a small comment sets off an explosion. A missed phone call becomes a war. A simple question — “Where were you?” — is met with rage instead of an answer.
It is easy to take this personally. It is easy to conclude that addiction has simply made the person cruel. But when we look more closely — through the lens of Scripture and the reality of what addiction can do to a person — we often discover something deeper.
Underneath the anger, there may be pain.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
— Jeremiah 17:9
Anger in addiction can be a fruit rather than the root. It may grow from soil shaped by shame, fear, loneliness, unmet needs, cravings, withdrawal, and emotional distress. Scripture does not ask us to excuse harmful behaviour, but understanding what may feed the anger can help us respond more wisely.
You cannot heal what you refuse to look at honestly. When we look beneath the surface, several struggles may be contributing to what appears outwardly as hostility.
What May Be Happening Beneath the Anger
Addiction is complex. Emotional, psychological, relational, spiritual, and physiological factors can interact in ways that affect how a person responds to stress and to the people around them. Understanding these factors does not remove personal responsibility. It helps us see more clearly what may need to be addressed if meaningful recovery is to take place.
- Shame That Has Nowhere to Go Many people living with addiction know, at some level, what their addiction is costing them and the people they love. That awareness can be deeply painful. Anger may sometimes become a shield against confronting guilt, regret, and disappointment with oneself.
- Fear Disguised as Hostility There may be fear of being discovered, fear of losing control, fear of withdrawal, or fear of facing life without the substance or behaviour that has become a coping mechanism. When fear feels overwhelming, it may sometimes appear outwardly as defensiveness or hostility.
- A Body and Brain in Genuine Distress Addiction is not only a spiritual or emotional struggle. Changes involving the brain's reward and stress systems, together with cravings, withdrawal, disrupted sleep, and other physical effects, can contribute to irritability and emotional instability.
- Feeling Cornered or Controlled Monitoring, ultimatums, repeated questions, and disappointed reactions may be intended as concern but experienced as threats by someone who is not ready to confront their addiction. Anger can then become a way of pushing others away or attempting to regain a sense of control.
- Self-Hatred Turned Outward Sometimes the harshest judge in the room is the person struggling with addiction. Anger directed toward others may partly reflect an internal battle with shame, regret, and self-condemnation. Directing that pain outward can feel easier than sitting with it internally.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
— 2 Timothy 1:7
Understanding these underlying struggles does not excuse aggression, manipulation, intimidation, or abuse. It simply reminds us that the anger we see on the surface may not tell the whole story. Sometimes, what appears to be anger toward another person is connected to distress taking place within.
Compassion Is Not the Same as Excusing
Understanding why someone is angry does not mean their anger is acceptable. And it does not mean that family members, friends, or caregivers are required to absorb harmful behaviour in the name of compassion.
“Be angry and do not sin.”
— Ephesians 4:26
Scripture makes room for anger as an emotion while still holding people accountable for what they do with it. This distinction is important when supporting someone struggling with addiction.
You can hold two truths at the same time:
- Truth One: Seek Understanding I understand that something deeper — perhaps shame, fear, withdrawal, emotional pain, or desperation — may be contributing to this behaviour.
- Truth Two: Maintain Boundaries I will not allow harmful, threatening, or abusive behaviour to continue without appropriate boundaries and consequences.
Compassion without boundaries can quickly become exhaustion. Healthy love does not require you to ignore destructive behaviour, continually rescue someone from the consequences of their choices, or sacrifice your own safety and well-being.
Love can be merciful and firm at the same time.
Five Healthier Ways to Respond
When you begin to recognise that an angry reaction may be connected to something deeper, your own response can change. Instead of automatically fighting fire with fire, you can learn to respond with greater clarity, compassion, and wisdom. The goal is neither to excuse harmful behaviour nor to control the person struggling with addiction, but to create healthier conditions for truth, accountability, support, and recovery.
01
Look Beneath the Immediate Reaction
When anger suddenly appears, remind yourself that the reaction may not be entirely about the conversation happening in that moment. Shame, fear, cravings, withdrawal, or emotional distress may also be present. Understanding this can help you avoid immediately personalising every angry response.
Try This
Before reacting, silently ask yourself: “What might be happening beneath this anger?” Understanding the possible cause does not mean accepting harmful behaviour — it simply helps you respond more thoughtfully.
02
Set Boundaries Rooted in Love
A healthy boundary communicates both care and responsibility. You can love someone deeply while refusing to participate in conversations that become abusive, threatening, or destructive. Boundaries should be clear, consistent, and focused on what you will do rather than on attempting to control another person's behaviour.
Try This
Practise saying calmly: “I love you, and I want to have this conversation, but I will not continue while I am being shouted at or insulted. We can talk when we are both able to speak respectfully.”
03
Encourage Professional Support
Addiction can involve physical dependence, psychological distress, emotional wounds, behavioural patterns, and relational difficulties. Recovery may therefore require more than determination or willpower alone. Appropriate treatment, counselling, medical care, peer recovery support, and other professional interventions can provide tools that family members cannot provide by themselves.
Try This
Instead of arguing only about stopping the behaviour, shift the conversation toward support: “I care about what you are going through. Can we explore getting help from someone trained to support recovery?”
04
Pray for the Pain Beneath the Addiction
If faith is part of your life and relationship, pray not only for the visible behaviour to stop but also for the deeper struggles that may be sustaining it. Pray for healing from shame, fear, loneliness, trauma, and despair. Pray for courage to seek help, strength to face difficult truths, and openness to the process of recovery.
Try This
Instead of praying only, “Lord, help them stop,” consider praying, “Lord, reach the fear, shame, and pain beneath this struggle. Give them courage to receive help and wisdom to take the next step toward healing.”
05
Take Care of Your Own Well-being
Loving someone through addiction can be emotionally exhausting. Constant crisis, worry, conflict, and uncertainty can gradually consume your own well-being. Supporting someone else does not mean neglecting yourself. You may also need trusted relationships, counselling, pastoral care, support groups, rest, and clear boundaries.
Try This
Identify one person or source of support you can turn to when the situation becomes overwhelming. You do not have to carry the emotional weight of another person's addiction alone.
Understanding Opens the Door to Something Better
When you stop taking every angry reaction personally and begin recognising that it may be connected to shame, fear, physiological distress, and desperation, something can change.
You stop fighting fire with fire.
You begin responding instead of reacting.
This is where healthier solutions become possible — where compassion can exist alongside accountability, where boundaries can coexist with love, and where professional support can become part of the journey toward recovery.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
— Matthew 11:28
That invitation is for the person struggling with addiction.
And it is also for the person trying to love them through it.
The anger you are facing is real, and it can be genuinely hurtful. But it may not be the whole story. Somewhere underneath may be a person who is scared, ashamed, distressed, and in pain — a person who still needs what we all need:
To be met with truth and grace at the same time.
“Understanding the pain beneath the anger does not mean accepting harmful behaviour. Sometimes the most compassionate response is to offer grace, speak the truth, and hold a healthy boundary — all at the same time.”
— Dr. Mandy Adebayo